Hope is no longer hopeful

I don’t know what I’m doing here. It feels like everyone is against me, though I know no one is judging
me to my face, I feel like everyone thinks I am a liar and weak. Daily lies are told to me, told to myself.  
I’m not trying to be someone I am not. I don’t want to be this person. It hurts to hurt. Sometimes I just
don’t even want to live anymore. These moments are scary because I think of all the life I will miss.  
But the daily moments I feel like they last for hours. I feel like I can’t become calm.
I feel like I cannot live with myself alone anymore. That if I am alone I will want to exit this earth.
One day I hope to feel alive again.  Each day is a struggle to find zest. Each day I feel so
weak because just living takes 110% of my strength every single moment. Whenever I do something
it takes my whole strength and when I finish it it feels like my whole body was hit by a truck!  
It’s so frustrating when no one asks if I am okay, because they cannot see that I am struggling.

It hurts to not have my family and friends around.  To feel abandoned but also feel like I have pushed them away.  
So all at the same time I feel like i’m trying to get help but also feel like I cannot accept it.  
It feels as if I have exiled myself in the middle of a crowd. Like everyone is around me and I cannot touch anyone
for help.  I am alone on a spaceship that is only in my head. Where no one can see where I am going and nobody
believes the destination is real.  As if a rocket ship needs to find a place to land but just keeps circling the
atmosphere and maybe one day i’ll just blow up from the pull of the gravitational pull.

I don’t know if I can do this, but everyday i’m going to try.  I don’t know what to do but everyday I will do something. I don’t know how I am going to feel in a few minutes, but I will make sure to feel something and understand my feelings are valid.  I’ll stop waiting for one day, living each day to be a day that counts.

An Unsavory Meeting

Hi.

 My name is Hope Kubiak newly established 15 days before we met.  When we met it was not at the best time for you.  I could see that (I felt it too).  Let me tell you a little about myself.  I hail from a little town in North County San Diego, most people don’t know where that is till I say more familiar towns.

I grew up in the same house my dad grew up in.  It is not even 1,000 sqft.  But I love it.  In the backyard he taught me how to defend myself.  We put on boxing gloves and pretended to punch each other.   Oh yeah, I was also homeschooled.  My dad taught a class about self-defense.  It was my whole class in all my education I paid attention to.  My dad would call my mom and tell her he was going to come home, change out of his painting clothes and after a long day of going up and down ladders he was going to teach his daughters how to defend themselves.  He was exhausted, I don’t know where you come from but in Southern California it is very hot.  We have two seasons “hot” and “not too hot.”  But he took this time to show us some tricks.  I showed them to you too.  My dad is not touchy feel-y as some others, the way he shows love is teaching and pouring his time into us.  At my wedding, you would have thought he was very emotional but I tell you, I’ve only seen my dad cry a few times.  He always made sure we knew with the right moves we could control a situation.  He also taught us to love everyone.  My dad was someone everyone respects, even if you disagree with the man, you will respect him.  Though he didn’t go out often his girls were all over, social butterflies, we honored him wherever we went and whenever people saw my dad you’d hear something on the lines of “your girls are great” or “you are one great father your girls represent you well” and my personal favorite “I just love your wife and your girls.”  He is kind, loving and a father who will swoop you up when you are down.  I wonder if you didn’t have that in your life.  Everyone deserves a good father.

Now let me tell you about the other half of me, my mom.  Most people call her the pioneer woman.  She is strong enough to take anyone out, she also knows karate.  She isn't very mama bear as some people have in their moms.  She protected us and guided us but in a way, you didn’t even know she was doing it.  My mom has spirit.  Luckily enough for me she brought out my spirit, unlucky for her unfortunately.  That spirit argued every day, told her “no” more times than I probably have ever said it to anyone else.  She taught me to do whatever I wanted in a guided fashion.  Listen to advice, ask for help and most importantly be who you are without regret.  My mother is known for trail blazing. She doesn’t take “no” for an answer and she really hates maybes and the word “whatever.”  My mom shed a lot of tears for me.  That spirit got us into a lot of battles, I say battles because the definition talks about resisting something, and I was determined to resist her directions.  Sometimes she would be so sick of these struggles she would threaten to get me out of the house by sending me to public school.  But I knew that was an empty threat.  Because my mom loved me and she was a fighter, if she didn’t have something to “mother” she wouldn’t think she was doing enough.  If you want to know a secret about my mom I’ll tell ya: my mom will make sure she does her part, she will hurt herself just to make sure her weight is being pulled.  My mother is not one to surrender and to lose a battle was to surrender, my mother made darn sure I always yielded (even if I did it my own way).  You see, you must get the picture now.

When you came at me you didn’t just come at me.  You came at my family.  There are two other very important people you need to know.  People who’ve always had my back.  My sisters.  See you met a little bit of them.  I don’t want you to know their names I feel you don’t get that, so Jasmine and Johnson are the names I’ll use.  Jasmine is loud with a huge heart.  When we would go to parties you could hear her voice in the other room Johnson and I would thrive off that! It made us feel comfortable knowing there was someone here who believed in us who was having fun and who could make anyone feel comfortable.  Jasmine is opinionated.  She will tell you what she thinks.  She will not back down when she has something she believes in.  I respect that so much, it might have been frustrating growing up but you know now as adults it’s something I admire.  She is transparent you never must wonder where she is coming from because she has already told you.  Johnson is similar in that way, however she is quiet.  I would not say silent as I originally thought of saying.  She is strong.  Man is she tough but oh so gentle.  She cares with all her heart and sometimes that gets her hurt.  Johnson loves to laugh, she loves to share moments with people one on one.  When she has you just her and you, you feel like you are the most important person in the world.  She has a way to stop the world from spinning and get you in the right place, she can calculate a room full of people and know exactly what to do. She is slow to speak and quick to attend.  Because of Jasmine’s volume and strength with Johnson’s ability to respond to a crisis you got a taste of my sisters through me.

This is the part where I met you.  You grabbed me.  Then as I used my dad’s training and my mom’s determination you realized you had to go harder.  So, you did.  You squeezed the breath right out of my lungs.  You tried to make my feet leave the ground but you soon realized that gave me enough room to swing my legs to kick your shins.  You changed tactics you decided to try to just pull me along.  That is when jasmine’s volume and strength kicked in.  I started to scream I used the word I said to my mom a million times, I am so skilled at saying it, I used jasmine’s volume and without warning I screamed “NO!” It startled you I felt you loosen up even just for a second then Johnson’s calculations started to buzz in my head.  I knew I could not go with you I could not give up my ground if I did you would be able to pull me along.  I put my heels into the ground.  Realizing I needed to do more I wondered where it would hurt you the most.  I remember my sisters accidentally elbowing me right between my ribs there is a good spot there. With the swiftness my dad taught me I stopped swinging at your face, balled my hands into fists and pulled my hand away from my body as much as I could then with my mom’s determination I slammed my elbow again and again straight into that spot.  Oh boy, I hurt you.  You squeezed so hard. I screamed again.  We stayed there for a while you were meeting my whole family one by one. 

Then you met me.  I didn’t let you win.  I am the girl who doesn’t let things go.  I can’t let a bad situation go.  If I know justification is not being served I will not stop.  I brought my stubbornness for what is right.  It was not right for you to grab me.  I wish you had someone fighting for you rather than against you.  I am not glad we met, that would be a lie.  However, I am grateful the situation ended the way it did my family is also.  I met you for a reason and right now I don’t know why maybe you needed to meet me more, than me you.  I will become stronger and become even more of myself because of this.  I hope you can find who you are with all the parts of your family and friends that raised you as well.  My hope is that you will find the good in your life and focus on that.  

Everyone can do great things if you apply yourself and maybe it’s not you who you need to focus on but those that make you great.

Sincerely,

The newly Mrs. Kubiak

Dear Ezra

Dear Ezra,

I wish you could understand how much you help me every single day.  I wish you could hear my words when I say, “I love you.”  I wish you could know how much you saved me. 

When he came after us I was scared.  I didn’t know what to do and felt frozen for a minute.  I think you did too.  Then you turned, you became brave.  Your voice broke the words that he said.  When I heard you I heard my heart, I heard my strength return to me.  I felt my muscles engage.  My legs started to swing, my hands went to any place I could feel.  I smacked. I punched. I joined in with you and screamed.  We hurt him, I heard him grunt, I felt his grasp tighten because he knew we were strong. He didn’t move. We didn’t let him move.  We went in on it together.  Both small, both scared.  We saw the others approach I saw your tail wag.  You knew help was here even though you were still going.  Then the world stopped I had you in my hands.  Your guard still up, your fur still unable to relax, my hair was standing up too.  I could feel every part of myself, could you feel your legs? I could feel the muscles pulsing ready to keep struggling.  The walk back to our home you never left my side. I don’t think I even put the leash back on you.  You walked beside me tall I felt your nose on my ankles.  I knew you were right there. You never let me forget.

That night I had nightmares.  So, did you.  When we put you in the crate you would not let us be apart.  You scratched you whined louder than we have ever heard.  You ran out of dad’s arms’ to be in mine.  That night I felt you.  I don’t think you knew but I felt you check on me.  Maybe you had a dream I wasn’t breathing so you had to make sure reality was still true.  Reality was true.  We are okay.  Because of you we are okay. 

Sincerely,

Your mom. 

Life update: A Washington Barista?

It has now been three months since I have been here in Washington, the roller coaster I have been on is incredible.  Starting off I was terrified to have left my family, friends and my whole life in California.  I couldn't believe I had done it.  It was liberating, scary and fun all at once.  I moved here and started work a few weeks after settling in.  Work has it's challenges but also is very rewarding, the team that I work with are all very supportive and kind.  They welcomed me in with hugs.  I adopted a guinea pig as soon as I could which was fantastic and she is a little spit fire mixed with sweetness.  Alice helps me through those days where all I want is comfortable faces.  Learning to have long distance friends and a boyfriend have been a challenge.  It is interesting how relationships change when you are the one to move.  Most of my childhood friends had left California before I had, so those friendships have already been long distant,  but when you leave you realize the other side to that relationship.  It is a struggle of wanting to be in the life of you friends as you have been while living close by, and the realization that, that's not going to happen. You will still be in their life, for sure if it is a good friend, but it is different.  Coming to accept that is still a process that hurts my heart but also is growing me as a person.  I love the weather here, my apartment is almost all furnished and I have made quite a few friends.  One friend I met at work, we had been seeing each other in passing but never actually spoken words to each other.  Finally we went up to each other and literally asked "want to be friends?"  We are now friends! We get together for dinners and talk for hours, it is a great friendship.  Both of us are in the same situation where the team we work with is a little older than us so it is nice to have a fellow coworker and friend who is the same age.

On that point I did start a second job.  I decided to work at Starbucks for the social aspect.  I wanted to get out and meet people my age, while having a second income coming in.  I got the job in October and last week I started training.  Today was my first day on the floor and it was quite exciting.  Another reason I started this job was because I wanted to be on the other side of customer service.  I have heard how ugly people are and how crazy it is to have to keep being nice to them.  I thought it would be a good character development to understand someone else's shoes.  Working with customers is nothing I've ever done before.  So far I love it, I haven't dealt with a bad customer but seeing the smile on someone's face when you ask how their day is going really brightens your heart.  I hope this feeling I have won't go away after a few months of working in this field.  I really want to brighten people's days and make sure they know that I do care about making their day a better one.

I'm sure there will be more adventures to come! I have driven to Idaho having my own mini road trip all by myself and it was an amazing experience.  I do enjoy being alone, as much as everyone knows how social I am, but I also get lonely every so often; however, I absolutely love it here.  I am having the time of my life starting new things I thought I would never do, and really embracing who I am as a person.  I don't know what the far future has in store for me, but I do know that living day by day is really making an impact on who I am.  I love living in the moment and have really been happy the majority of the time I have been here.  Now if I can go in for allergy testing and stop getting sick every few weeks then my adventures will double in their numbers.  I got some recommendations for doctors and allergists so now I just have to make appointments to see why my body hates Washington! Overall I'm having the time of my life and I'm so grateful for the support that I get from my family and friends.  The holidays are right around the corner and I am staying in Washington for them, that will be hard.  I know that's just my life right now and learning to love everyone from a distance is a great skill to have.  I can't believe last May I was wrapping up my education and now here I am using those skills while adulting to the best of my ability.  2016 has really been great to me, even though it has been a tough (but rewarding) year I cannot wait to see how it finishes out!

4 things I've learned in 4 years of college

Today I made my event on Facebook for my graduation party, we all know it is real when Facebook has it officially as an event.  I can't believe that I have gone through 4 years of college.  Even though it has felt like a long time it also is a very small part of my life compared to the rest of my life.  I am 21, hopefully I will live to be 90 which means only a little less than 1/3 of my life was spent in college.  That is really nothing.  But in these four years I have learned some valuable lessons. 


1. Friends will magically appear, I just stepped out of my comfort zone for 10 seconds


I'm not saying they fall out of the clouds or something but they arrive at your front door sooner or later (sometimes literally, hi roommates).  It could be the person who is in your group project who laughed at your joke, or the person who laughs with you at the teachers stupid jokes and you finally asked if he thinks they are funny, or just so pitiful you have to laugh. Even your roommate who invites you to a party that you would never say yes to except in those 10 seconds; or the person you ask if your in the right class on the first day which took you almost 10 minutes to finally ask.  It doesn't matter how it begins it all can end the same, you could find a forever friend.  Now this friend won't be like a friend who you have grown up with this friend is new and exciting and is really the best thing you need.  Someone to complain with cause they know what you are feeling, exactly, someone who is low maintenance cause you're going to see them in class more than once a week so you don't have to worry about planning anything.  It is great to have these types of friends and these friends teach you that one small interaction can lead to one great friendship. 


2. It's okay to not know who I am and still stand up for what I believe is right


During college I had no idea who I was.  I was going through so many different "identities," if you will, trying to figure out what I believed in.  Sometimes I contradicted myself but, at that time, I thought that I was correct in believing in what I stood for on certain issues.  I would be alone in my room at night and think to myself "who am I?" that question haunted me and sometimes still does.  After four years of teachers teaching their opinions and realizing that I didn't agree, I finally figured out what I believed for the big topics, in the grand scheme of things.  Hearing someone's opinion and thinking they are wrong, you realize, in that moment, what is right to you.  You don't have to sit there and take what they say as fact, it is your chance to figure out what you believe, and sometimes that means your opinion gets changed and that's okay.  Life is ever changing and your opinion can change, I think a lot of people forget having an open mind means that your opinion can be changed that isn't giving up on your beliefs it is recognizing you may have it wrong.  You may not think you are wrong, I didn't and that's fine, then hold true to those things that you feel strongly about it will shape you as a person.  I can proudly say I am so much closer to being the woman I wanna be and hey, I'm proud of me.


3. It's okay to say no, no really, don't go to the party it isn't fun go back to Netflix


I have been to a fraternity party, home group parties, kick backs, all kinds, they are not fun.  I am sure some are fun and that's cool, I'm sure people at the same parties as me thought they were just roaring.  But I'm that girl in the corner trying to sneak away from the crowd or silently wishing I was home, bra less, in sweatpants.  It's cool to test the water, why not?  But don't feel obliged to say yes and to keep appearances, it's fun to curl up with a good friend and to binge watch a show. I didn't have the "college experience" and I have no regrets! 


4. Grades don't define me and timing is everything


I am stopping my education at my BA.  I didn't even think I would make it this far, dropping out was not far from a good idea to me.  Then I found out that grades aren't a make or break situation.  Yes, you need good grades but you wouldn't be at a four year university if you didn't know that.  But my motto was C is for complete and I ended up not even getting a C as a final grade in any of my classes at CSUN.  In college there are so many other things to worry about, life is happening.  I know that I feel like that is a contradiction to college, but it isn't.  I had to complete the work that was ahead of me and complete it in a way that would mean that I was passing the class, but that doesn't mean I skip out on adventures.  Go get that late night drink with a friend instead of studying through the night, go for a walk to clear your head with your roommate, listen to music and eat cheese balls together.  School isn't everything, the college experience isn't everything, life is everything what feels good to you is what is important.  I truly believe high school is where you find yourself, college you discover what you are made of, and then in the real world is where you build your reputation.  Each stage you find a bit more of yourself so don't allow college to define you, if you get a C it's okay (depending on your major, sorry med students).  It is all about finding timing, you can time in procrastination, that is probably the art of procrastination.  Don't miss out on the people who are supporting you through this process, if you don't give them your time you don't get the support you need to keep going, boy do I know.  Recharging through those around you is so important.  I have one regret through my college years, I never used all my given absences and I wish I had, they are given for a reason use them up.  I guess in my timing schedule through college I could fit all the classes in, but that might not be the case for everyone and sometimes those people who missed more than me got better grades.  If your brain isn't in the class it is worthless being there anyway.  Time it out, and remember the grades aren't your worth.


Cheers, 2016, I've waited for you.

What it is like to have an Emotionless Best Friend

Okay no she's not really emotion less, let's just say her emotional spectrum is 1-100 where mine is 0-1,000. And I will never understand how she survives. But I will understand the support and comfort she gives me through everything.

We met when our mutual friend was getting married, she was the MOH and I was a bridesmaid. We had our friend's shower at my grandparents' place so we stayed up all night, complete strangers, bonding over crafts, last minute adjustments and energy drinks, the next day we hosted the party on 3 hours of sleep, with the help from the rest of the bridal party. I will forever thank our friend for allowing us to meet.

Through this time we started talking and as I try to think how we got close I can't tell you how it happened. Just all of a sudden we are close and we all lived happily ever after. Sometimes I wonder how we actually make this happiness happen, we are as different as apples and oranges. We knew we were different, but as much as we are different we are the same, just the same as an apple and an orange are completely different but still fruit. You could say that about us, opposites, but weirdos just the same.

My emotionless counterpart, is happily married, you know that mushy first year of marriage stage, but also long term relationship stage, since they are high school sweethearts. Let's take her marriage for example, when something cute happens, my first reaction is welling of tears in my eyeballs, but hers is to say how gross it is. But she knows how I will react and still wants my reaction (who wouldn't want their best friend to think they are the cutest couple on this earth). With that we can take all my relationships and see the drama zone in each relationship and when I share something dramatic, her response is level headed, calm and well, emotionless. Her response is based solely on the facts that were presented to her, not on the emotions.

If I could count the times she has called me out for being crazy (or emotion filled) we both would be rich, cause you bet I'd share my money with her. But these interactions are ones we thrive for. I need and desire someone to look at my situation in a way that I cannot, and I know sometimes I may be overboard with my reactions yet, she likes the outward response I give, because i know she feels these emotions she just doesn't express them as I do.

How do we do it? I'm not sure, maybe it's the draw to the opposite, maybe it's the pull of the similarities. I do believe a soul mate can be a friend, someone you absolutely adore, someone you wouldn't want to part from. I don't mean part from each other like a daily distance, but part in the form of parting ways. I wouldn't wanna lose my emotion lacking friend; I believe our souls speak to each other in ways we can't even understand fully.

For all those people who can't control emotions I believe you need a friend who doesn't even have emotions to control. The deep thinkers, the introverts, the jaded, the ones who won't show you them until they are ready, no matter what you say to encourage them to share, they won't. We need these people in our lives, without them we wouldn't have the outlet we need. My boyfriend has to deal with my crazy and if he had to listen to all the craziness my support has to listen to he would go insane, one person can't handle all of the crazy that is in this red headed mess. She knows my inner thoughts, what my heart desires, you could say she sees the intimacy I'm scared to give to other people. Does that mean I don't give it to my boyfriend? No, it just means she opened me up and found me first and things are different romantically and platonically.

I've had many best friends and do have many close friends I'm not one to have many friends but instead a tremendous group of close ones. But never have I shared as much as I have with this particular person. She sees me when I'm a wreck, when I'm a disaster, when I can't see straight, when the anger takes over my mouth, when the anxiety cripples me, she's right there looking at me fully saying I got your back. Even if that means telling me I'm wrong, pointing out the flaws in my judgement, it doesn't matter cause she's on my team, as I am hers.

Sometimes I wonder if she can feel anything, and then she opens up to me. I can't scream and shout cause if I did I'd scare her back into her rabbit hole. But I take that in my heart and treasure the courage she had to tell me something that she had deep, deep, deep down. For once I don't wanna tell anyone else information about how amazing my friend is because they'd probably look at me crazy for being excited that she told me about a personal achievement, cause to them that's friendship it's sharing, but they don't know my friend, I do. I know the progress that was made, I know the leap she took and didn't know where she'd land, and I was there to, figuratively, catch her, cause let's be real, I don't have the best reflexes to catch anyone.

Today, I saw my friend, she was exhausted, and we were getting coffee.  We just sat and talked on and off barely making a conversation.  These are the days I adore, the days I realize how much I love her friendship.  We text 24/7, sometimes even in our sleep, we are always there for each other.  But those days when we don't have much to tell each other (since we already did 5 minutes ago through a text), we just sit and bask in what we have.  The times we plan to visit each other, the days that we have to cancel cause life got in the way, but then re plan for a future date, these are the times I imagine friendship should be like.  Here I am living it.  I'm not saying my other friendships haven't given me this joy, but this comfort I have never felt so fast and so overwhelmingly strong.  

Here I am writing a blog about how amazing she is.  She is probably the most non-gushy person ever, but here I am throwing all emotions into every word I type, bad grammar and all.  I am so grateful for my emotionless bestie, she keeps my emotions in check and I make sure she knows that feeling is okay.  Feelings don't have to be scary, they don't have to be pushed away, you can't have the good feeling without knowing what a bad feeling is.  If you're like me and have too many emotions to contain in your body, keep your eyes open, when you don't expect it you might run into someone who isn't like you, be open, embrace it.  Who knows, you might find a forever friend.  

To feel something at all

When I arrived back to Northridge I always take time to evaluate who I have become over the time that I have been back home.  Well, I have come to the conclusion that I am not who I used to be.  Who you pretend to be is who you become.  After my first heartbreak I let myself go, by that I mean, in Joan Jett's words I didn't give a damn about my bad reputation.  Through my relationship with my ex I had been hard at work working on my lying and exaggeration in my story telling.  I was making a great reputation for my inner self and felt really good about who I was.  The support from my ex is what kept me going, his honesty. (later to be known as not so honest) 

So this summer I dealt with the fact that someone I thought had my back through everything did not.  I've never faced heartbreak before but the way I respected myself after it was over was shameful.  Or the fact that I didn't respect myself was the shameful part.  The thing was is that the tool that hurt me became a tool that I made mean nothing to me.  I no longer held it as a higher standard.  So in turn my respect was no where to be found.  Let alone to let myself feel anything for someone, and when I did, all the pain just came back as I allowed another to hurt my heart once again.  That is when I decided to close my heart so no one could break in anymore, not allowing myself to feel hurt, let alone joy, fully.

Here I am in Northridge.  While I was here I was in a relationship being single up here is quite weird.  But it is who I am.  I have realized that there are things that you cannot come back from.  Yes it is in the past but that does not mean it dissapears or doesn't haunt you.  It follows you.  100 miles away and I am still dealing with lies and the issues I created for myself solely for attention.  I thought bad attention was just as good as anything else.  I was wrong.  All i have recieved is mainly good attention, from that point i hadn't really done anything disgraceful.  But now that I have, I don't like it.  Do I regret my past? no not all of it, but I do regret the reputation I built.  It could have been much more respectable but how can you be respected by others when you don't even feel like you deserve respect?

I have been going on nightly walks with a friend, and in those times I think about who I am to him, he met me as the not so respectable woman.  He has never met the sweet loving Hope.  He knows the jaded, emotional, witchy woman that I am today.  It saddens me.  Because that Hope is gone and there is nobody I mean NOBODY who could bring her back except myself if I would choose to do so.  Frankly I love this woman who can not feel every single thing, who can hide the pain, who can be alone and feel okay.  But that endearingly naive, smart, funny, too trusting and the one to jump in fully with no shame of her feelings young girl is gone.  I can't get certain parts of me back.  But I can become the person I want to be just as I have become the woman I am today.  

It will be a long and hard journey finding the balance of peace and joy again, but I am so ready to climb all up hill if I have to but I will, I want to be Hope filled (oh so punny), and joy to return to my everyday life.  I am tired of not being okay with who I am on the inside.  I will make this happen I am determined.  To being a senior, to being whoever I want to be, to being the respected, to being someone who leaves a mark, to feeling joyfilled emotions again, to feel something at all, cheers.